I have been feeling that maybe I want to pursue some other type of 'career' role, and focus on that for the next few years (mid term). I am finding the jewellery stressful because I find myself not coping when that is all that is on my mind. And a full-time job that is not very challenging anymore.
The jewellery is a challenge, but its a different sort of challenge to the type of challenge I am currently seeking. I enjoy making jewellery for sure, and I want to keep doing it, I don't want to stop. I want to make stuff to sell online, to friends and family and things, and perhaps still for some exhibitions and awards. But I have found the deadline and pressure of a whole exhibition very, very stressful. It's a small cabinet even, not overly large, nothing like a whole solo show at a whole gallery. So maybe people will read this and think, oh come on, its not even that big. And you have had a LONG time to prepare for this. Which is true.
But for those of you who are not creatives, you won't understand.
There is not one continuous flow of creative thoughts and creatively geared action. It comes in fits and bursts. And when things around you and in your life aren't so peachy, its really difficult to get yourself to focus. I think the hardest part at the moment is not having a specific space to go to where I am solely creative. Where I enter and all I think about and all I am surrounded by are things that encourage me to make, create, be creative.
It's why people struggle to work out successfully in their lounge, despite the number of 'home video workouts' out there; why people find it hard to study in their bedroom. If you are in an environment that is not conducive to what you are trying to achieve, its very difficult to make yourself.
Some will say its a lack of self discipline, distraction control. And to a degree, they are right. But no amount of self discipline and distraction control is going to inspire a creative flow.
I think I want to look into another career option, that is flexible and challenging. Which will give me time to make jewellery when I need to. Which will hopefully be more often, if I am feeling challenged in my daily life. Being challenged elsewhere helps me to push myself in my jewellery practice. Yet my current job, I find myself getting frustrated at the boredom. and going home frustrated and tired, is not helpful. Whereas feeling like I have accomplished something during the day, and helped some people, will leave me feeling good, motivated, in control. And this will flow over into the jewellery.
I am thinking, that after this exhibition, I will not agree to any more for the next wee while. I will enter competitions, and make to sell from my website. But I will just sit back, work my job, earn some money, play UWH, look to travel, and to what else I can do as a second career option.
My current job is not what I need in the long run, it is an 'in the meantime' job. And I think the time is coming near that I need to start looking for other, newer, more exciting challenges.
I have so much I want to do, but I feel like this job isn't really taking me anywhere. So I need to look at how I can make it work for me in the short term....I can earn money through the job, I can gather contacts, I can relax and enjoy being young. It gives me a degree of financial security and I feel, control, that I haven't experienced before and I really enjoy that aspect of it. So I wil stay there for a bit longer, but I will also start looking at what else I can do.
I think once I find something else to challenge myself, to earn money, and that I enjoy, then the jewellery will flow. :)
Here's hoping!!! :P
24 March 2012
R & R
I decided that this weekend, since I was so busy with everything else, that I would not think about jewellery AT ALL!
And it has been bliss. I have had an amazing stress-free weekend. I have enjoyed the company of extended family members and good friends, downloaded some new music....slept in, relaxed.
One of the things that was stressing me out, my tournament, went REALLY well. One thing to tick off my list. I loved being on tournament again. I haven't been to a tournament, as a player, in over 18 months. Which is a LONG time, considering this is my 9th year playing, so for the past 8 years or so, I have played at least one tournament.
I didn't realise how much I actually missed it.
With tournament, you know what to expect. You have to keep yourself in optimal condition. Your only concern is for yourself, your physical and metal conditioning, and then that of your team mates.
It is something I am familiar and comfortable with.
I found it quite hard to get my head into tournament mode and settle my head down from the stress I've been feeling lately. Which is why I decided to not think about the jewellery at all. It wouldn't have helped at all.
It just feels so natural, to be at a tournament and pushing yourself physically. It's hard to put into words what I mean, but for those who have been in a situation where all your focus is very physical and also emotional, but emotional in relation to your physical performace, you will understand. You feel like you are in total control of all the variables. The only thing that matters is the next game. Up until then everything is geared towards making sure you are in optimal condition to perform at your best. And after that, it's looking forward to the next game. It's easy, its defined, you know what to expect. Of course, the games are hard, the mental side of it is not easy, but it all comes down to YOU, and the team, and I love that.
I think this has been missing from my life for too long. I don't think I need to be playing at an international level every year, but having that physical release and engagement, and such a big, intense and condensed dose of adrenaline.....seems to break up the stress and help to clear and focus the mind.
People are always telling me I can't do both art and sport, or if they don't say it directly, they say it in their actions, the way they react to one or the other. But I feel, for me, I need both in my life. I need that balance of pure physical activity, and then the creative, more mind-thought-oriented activity.
The past 18 months has shown that I struggle with a lack of intense physical interactions...ie tournaments, events....and too much of the opposite.
I do think, that if the balance was the other way round though, that I'd be able to survive, and the effect on my emotional and mental stability would not be as detrimental.
I find the act of physically pushing myself really rewarding. Having to 'look inside' and really find a strength from within to push myself forward. It's something I've always struggled to harness in my jewellery career, throughout uni and since I have been out.
I don't know if this is a pivotal realisation, or one that I need to address seriously right now. But I have been having some thoughts recently. Perhaps I'll have them in a separate post........
And it has been bliss. I have had an amazing stress-free weekend. I have enjoyed the company of extended family members and good friends, downloaded some new music....slept in, relaxed.
One of the things that was stressing me out, my tournament, went REALLY well. One thing to tick off my list. I loved being on tournament again. I haven't been to a tournament, as a player, in over 18 months. Which is a LONG time, considering this is my 9th year playing, so for the past 8 years or so, I have played at least one tournament.
I didn't realise how much I actually missed it.
With tournament, you know what to expect. You have to keep yourself in optimal condition. Your only concern is for yourself, your physical and metal conditioning, and then that of your team mates.
It is something I am familiar and comfortable with.
I found it quite hard to get my head into tournament mode and settle my head down from the stress I've been feeling lately. Which is why I decided to not think about the jewellery at all. It wouldn't have helped at all.
It just feels so natural, to be at a tournament and pushing yourself physically. It's hard to put into words what I mean, but for those who have been in a situation where all your focus is very physical and also emotional, but emotional in relation to your physical performace, you will understand. You feel like you are in total control of all the variables. The only thing that matters is the next game. Up until then everything is geared towards making sure you are in optimal condition to perform at your best. And after that, it's looking forward to the next game. It's easy, its defined, you know what to expect. Of course, the games are hard, the mental side of it is not easy, but it all comes down to YOU, and the team, and I love that.
I think this has been missing from my life for too long. I don't think I need to be playing at an international level every year, but having that physical release and engagement, and such a big, intense and condensed dose of adrenaline.....seems to break up the stress and help to clear and focus the mind.
People are always telling me I can't do both art and sport, or if they don't say it directly, they say it in their actions, the way they react to one or the other. But I feel, for me, I need both in my life. I need that balance of pure physical activity, and then the creative, more mind-thought-oriented activity.
The past 18 months has shown that I struggle with a lack of intense physical interactions...ie tournaments, events....and too much of the opposite.
I do think, that if the balance was the other way round though, that I'd be able to survive, and the effect on my emotional and mental stability would not be as detrimental.
I find the act of physically pushing myself really rewarding. Having to 'look inside' and really find a strength from within to push myself forward. It's something I've always struggled to harness in my jewellery career, throughout uni and since I have been out.
I don't know if this is a pivotal realisation, or one that I need to address seriously right now. But I have been having some thoughts recently. Perhaps I'll have them in a separate post........
22 March 2012
STRESS
I am stressed out. Instead of hiding it and trying to pretend I'm not, I'm telling people. And it feels way better when someone asks....how are you? ...and you reply...you know what? I'm really stressed out right now.....feels like youre not covering yourself with this invisible cloak of lies anymore. I'm stressed out. BUT...I can do it. That's what I need to focus on, not the fact that I'm stressed out.
It's getting bad though. I don't think, and can't remember, ever being this bad before. I feel sick most days, I'm losing my appetite, I'm getting headaches every week. I feel like I'm going to choke and feel really shaky when it's at it's worst. It's not much fun. And it feels like everything is like this....my thoughts are negative about almost everything, and I can't seem to shake them or change them. And if I manage to, they sink back into a negative frame quite quickly. Just today I've gone from happy, to stressed, to happy, back to stressed.
It's making it really hard to make. i go and sit at my bench and I feel paralysed. I worry that I won't have enough work to fill the cabinet. I worry that people will see it and be disappointed. I worry that people will see it and think i didn't put enough effort into it. I worry that people who are deeply embedded in the Contemporary Jewellery world will think its not 'conceptual' enough. Something I have always battled with!! I'm not big on big concepts. I like making pretty jewellery, that people will like to wear, and that has some ideas behind it...but it doesn't push any boundaries, it doesn't offend, it doesn't question...it encourages. It encourages people to stop and look at something beautiful for a while. Because I think people don't do that enough. Well, really, I think that I don't do that enough. And perhaps that's why I make jewellery like this. Or why I do anything? It's something I need to figure out...why do I make jewellery? Why is that the medium I choose to express myself in? What other ways do I express myself? How can these be combined with the jewellery?
But for now.....I need to think calm thoughts. Take some time out to relax, to clear my mind. So that I can make and enjoy it. And get this exhibition done.
See you in about three weeks!!!
Bring on April 19th when I can have my life back!!!!!
It's getting bad though. I don't think, and can't remember, ever being this bad before. I feel sick most days, I'm losing my appetite, I'm getting headaches every week. I feel like I'm going to choke and feel really shaky when it's at it's worst. It's not much fun. And it feels like everything is like this....my thoughts are negative about almost everything, and I can't seem to shake them or change them. And if I manage to, they sink back into a negative frame quite quickly. Just today I've gone from happy, to stressed, to happy, back to stressed.
It's making it really hard to make. i go and sit at my bench and I feel paralysed. I worry that I won't have enough work to fill the cabinet. I worry that people will see it and be disappointed. I worry that people will see it and think i didn't put enough effort into it. I worry that people who are deeply embedded in the Contemporary Jewellery world will think its not 'conceptual' enough. Something I have always battled with!! I'm not big on big concepts. I like making pretty jewellery, that people will like to wear, and that has some ideas behind it...but it doesn't push any boundaries, it doesn't offend, it doesn't question...it encourages. It encourages people to stop and look at something beautiful for a while. Because I think people don't do that enough. Well, really, I think that I don't do that enough. And perhaps that's why I make jewellery like this. Or why I do anything? It's something I need to figure out...why do I make jewellery? Why is that the medium I choose to express myself in? What other ways do I express myself? How can these be combined with the jewellery?
But for now.....I need to think calm thoughts. Take some time out to relax, to clear my mind. So that I can make and enjoy it. And get this exhibition done.
See you in about three weeks!!!
Bring on April 19th when I can have my life back!!!!!
05 March 2012
Ah...I see the light!
After a frustrating weekend of trying to make and then making things that I just didn't like and thatjust didn't feel right...I threw my tools down, went for a sunbathe with my best friend, had a back massage, and a delicious milkshake....and then I realised....I'm not having any successes right now because I'm not following through with what my jewellery intends to do.....I intend my jewellery to encourage people to take the time out of their daily lives to appreciate life in its simplest forms, and to appreciate the world around them. to peel themselves away from their screens and extract themselves from their busy day-to-day lives to take a second look at something, to stop and appreciate the day, the sunset, the view, the flowers, the sun on their face...but I wasn't even doing that MYSELF.
So how was I to be encouraged to work if I wasn't even engaging in the things I find most inspiring?
I've thought before that perhaps my making and my ideas are a way to remedy every-day life and it's pitfalls for myself.....and it's now clear to me that this is entirely true.
I need to keep making pretty little things that encourage people to stop, look, admire.
That draw people in to have a closer look.
Because thats what I enjoy making the most.
And if I'm enoying it, and I like the outcome, then that's the first hurdle crossed, and there are bound to be others out there who also appreciate it too :)
6 weeks til exhibition. I have a LOT to get done!!!!!!!!
So how was I to be encouraged to work if I wasn't even engaging in the things I find most inspiring?
I've thought before that perhaps my making and my ideas are a way to remedy every-day life and it's pitfalls for myself.....and it's now clear to me that this is entirely true.
I need to keep making pretty little things that encourage people to stop, look, admire.
That draw people in to have a closer look.
Because thats what I enjoy making the most.
And if I'm enoying it, and I like the outcome, then that's the first hurdle crossed, and there are bound to be others out there who also appreciate it too :)
6 weeks til exhibition. I have a LOT to get done!!!!!!!!
03 March 2012
Frustrated
I have been seriously procrastinating from doing any making. I have now started and it feels great, but I wake up on days like today (one of the only two I have off a week, like almost everyone) and I have to go and sit downstairs instead of going to the beach. And my friends are all going to the beach, or hanging out, or asking me to do things. So I mope around and feel sorry for myself, and then suddenly its 5pm.
I recently had someone challenge me and say, well, maybe you don't REALLY want to do jewellery then?
And I thought, gosh, I hope that's not true, and I'm just the last one to find out.
But I think, it's that i don't want to do jewellery in my TIME OFF. On the two days where I don't HAVE to be at work, where I don't HAVE to go anywhere or do anything...except for my jewellery.
I know this is an issue a LOT of people face, doing what they enjoy in their spare time, and trying to make it work, but I don't think that that point negates the fact that it is EXTREMELY frustrating at times like this.
People will say...but you're doing what you love so it should be just like you spending your time doing something you enjoy?
Yes, but I also enjoy having time to see my friends, to read a book, to go for a day trip to the beach, to sleep in til midday and have breakfast in bed, to go out for coffee or lunch, to go for a walk in a new location.
So then I think...okay, I need to figure out how to make this jewellery thing work....how will I generate some income, while still hand making my stuff, without having to make 100 of the same thing....and I'm back to square one because I don;t really know.
Or I DO know.....but there are just SO many options out there, since there is no one direct path for this....its not...study, graduate, enter at bottom level position, work way to the top...ta da...successful career....there are so many options and so many paths I could take....so do I just start somewhere and see what happens? make some mistakes along the way and learn from them? I guess I do...but there are so many things I want to do, and I don't know where to start....and this 'I don't know' feeling is very overwhelming, and leaves little room for much else, let alone positive enthusiasm and motivation.
I do a Business of Arts course in a week, and I am hoping that this will give me some sort of ideas, clarify some things for me, extend my knowledge. Fingers crossed!!!!!
Adios for now....off for a 20km bike followed by a short run, then breakfast then down to my bench!!!!!
I recently had someone challenge me and say, well, maybe you don't REALLY want to do jewellery then?
And I thought, gosh, I hope that's not true, and I'm just the last one to find out.
But I think, it's that i don't want to do jewellery in my TIME OFF. On the two days where I don't HAVE to be at work, where I don't HAVE to go anywhere or do anything...except for my jewellery.
I know this is an issue a LOT of people face, doing what they enjoy in their spare time, and trying to make it work, but I don't think that that point negates the fact that it is EXTREMELY frustrating at times like this.
People will say...but you're doing what you love so it should be just like you spending your time doing something you enjoy?
Yes, but I also enjoy having time to see my friends, to read a book, to go for a day trip to the beach, to sleep in til midday and have breakfast in bed, to go out for coffee or lunch, to go for a walk in a new location.
So then I think...okay, I need to figure out how to make this jewellery thing work....how will I generate some income, while still hand making my stuff, without having to make 100 of the same thing....and I'm back to square one because I don;t really know.
Or I DO know.....but there are just SO many options out there, since there is no one direct path for this....its not...study, graduate, enter at bottom level position, work way to the top...ta da...successful career....there are so many options and so many paths I could take....so do I just start somewhere and see what happens? make some mistakes along the way and learn from them? I guess I do...but there are so many things I want to do, and I don't know where to start....and this 'I don't know' feeling is very overwhelming, and leaves little room for much else, let alone positive enthusiasm and motivation.
I do a Business of Arts course in a week, and I am hoping that this will give me some sort of ideas, clarify some things for me, extend my knowledge. Fingers crossed!!!!!
Adios for now....off for a 20km bike followed by a short run, then breakfast then down to my bench!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)