It's getting bad though. I don't think, and can't remember, ever being this bad before. I feel sick most days, I'm losing my appetite, I'm getting headaches every week. I feel like I'm going to choke and feel really shaky when it's at it's worst. It's not much fun. And it feels like everything is like this....my thoughts are negative about almost everything, and I can't seem to shake them or change them. And if I manage to, they sink back into a negative frame quite quickly. Just today I've gone from happy, to stressed, to happy, back to stressed.
It's making it really hard to make. i go and sit at my bench and I feel paralysed. I worry that I won't have enough work to fill the cabinet. I worry that people will see it and be disappointed. I worry that people will see it and think i didn't put enough effort into it. I worry that people who are deeply embedded in the Contemporary Jewellery world will think its not 'conceptual' enough. Something I have always battled with!! I'm not big on big concepts. I like making pretty jewellery, that people will like to wear, and that has some ideas behind it...but it doesn't push any boundaries, it doesn't offend, it doesn't question...it encourages. It encourages people to stop and look at something beautiful for a while. Because I think people don't do that enough. Well, really, I think that I don't do that enough. And perhaps that's why I make jewellery like this. Or why I do anything? It's something I need to figure out...why do I make jewellery? Why is that the medium I choose to express myself in? What other ways do I express myself? How can these be combined with the jewellery?
But for now.....I need to think calm thoughts. Take some time out to relax, to clear my mind. So that I can make and enjoy it. And get this exhibition done.
See you in about three weeks!!!
Bring on April 19th when I can have my life back!!!!!
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